As an anxious overachiever with panic disorder, I flew into the self-help maze desperately seeking the cure to my wiring. Little did I realise that, for me, the loud motivation culture was damaging and not healing.
Why traditional motivation advice made me worse.
The self-help landscape is a contradictory avalanche of guidance from experts promising the golden ticket to mental liberation. Every “guru” has a struggle story that concludes with a magical event—a cure!
Falling down the rabbit hole of seeking this elusive “cure,” I struggled to accept that my journey might not have a neat, miraculous conclusion. It blinded me to the truth that my wiring meant relapses and triggers would occur, but that didn’t equate to failure or an inability to heal. To me, if the tools didn’t work, I didn’t work. Each time I tried again and failed the “tool kit,” it became a personal failing.
This toxic cycle of self-blame only added to the weight of my anxiety and vicious cycles of getting worse, making it harder to accept that mental health is a nuanced journey with no one-size-fits-all solution.
What I’ve learnt from this
Anxiety, panic, and sensitivity are part of my unique wiring – it’s ingrained in my blueprint. It comes with many setbacks, but if I look a little deeper, also with extraordinary gifts. Changing this blueprint to fit into the world of the perpetually happy generation was counterintuitive to my healing journey.
The power of daily micro-commitments.
Instead of cutting out and removing this problematic part of me, I started to focus on embracing it. I set a daily intention of welcoming this part of me and giving it a seat at the table which empowers me to gain a deeper understanding of myself.
This is not a cure. This is not the destination. It most certainly is not a happy conclusion. It’s a daily commitment with its share of obstacles, tough times, doubts, and tears. However, it’s also filled with beauty, new lessons, and most importantly, acceptance of my journey.
Life is complicated enough, and I’m tired of adding to this by getting lost in measuring myself against the impossible standards set by self-help. I now ask myself three core questions that lead my life.
Question 1: Am I healthy?
Am I mentally, physically, and emotionally happy? These are easy questions with complex answers. For example, I have an anxiety disorder, so answering the question about my mental health is not always a straightforward “yes” or” no.” My goal is not to be the pinnacle of health, but to ask myself if I FEEL, at that moment, healthy?
When my mind and soul feel healthy, I have an excellent foundation to build from. Feeling healthy is more important to me than meeting the standards of what society deems healthy. It’s my body, mind, emotions, and spiritual path. I will decide and judge if it feels good to me or not.
Question 2: Am I Happy?
This involves a deep dive into what happiness means to me. What does it look like to me? Does it look the same five years from now, ten years from now? It’s a constant journey of connecting with my path, soul, and perceived purpose. It relates to the future I want to manifest for myself, releasing the past, and genuinely being in the moment.
Pillar 3: Am I a good person?
I accept, mostly unsuccessfully, that I am human. I have my own issues and curiosities. I have bad days when I say mean things or don’t stay true to who I am. However, at the heart of it all, am I a good person with good intentions? My inner critic is brutal and unforgiving. But I have made it my life’s mission to work with myself and invite my inner critic for tea. I challenge her, engage with her, and do my best to find a meeting point between our two worlds.
The takeaway
Self-help should be precisely that, self-help. A personal journey undertaken by me and only me. I know my past, my struggles, challenges, and joys. I know what drives me and what weakens me. It takes soft reflection and being careful with the information I ingest and what I choose to take from the lessons I consume. I now know that healing isn’t about achieving a flawless, anxiety-free existence. It’s about understanding, accepting, and navigating life with my unique wiring.
What if you don’t need to be fixed—just understood?
By Dr. Jeanne Retief
Dr. Jeanne Retief is the founder of FIGGI Beauty & Soul. A sensitive skincare brand focused on the mind-skin connection and how anxiety drives sensitive skin conditions. She is a mental health advocate and keynote speaker.
